Knowing this blog is not frequented often, I feel its ok to share some intimate details... Hopefully they will help someone through what I have experienced.
About a month ago, Matt and I got some very exciting news - we were expecting our first baby. Only a few weeks along we were cautious but extremely excited. The first doctors appointment went well, so we felt it was time to tell our parents. They were beyond thrilled, and it just so happened that my brother was up from Florida so he enjoyed the news face to face as well.
Needless to say, everything was better, the sun was brighter, our spare room (which right now is an office) always seemed to look like a baby room when I walked passed.
We talked about names, a new car, and how we would handle all the significant changes. However, little did we know, this wasn't meant to be.
A few weeks after the first doctors appointment, we went back for a sonogram. It seemed as if we were not as far along as we were told originally (they take the first day of your last period.) Scared and skeptic we left the doctor, and I knew something wasn't right. Not only was I not comfortable with the doctor or the sono tech, I could feel in my heart that there was a problem.
For the days following, I tried to stay positive. We went back less than a week later to see if there were any changes. I looked at the screen, and nothing. It petrified me. From so much excitement to such sadness. The doctor quickly pushed me to schedule a procedure to remove whatever was there. I was hesitant but emotional, so I agreed. We drove home and I was torn and confused, not sure what was going on and what would happen.
Matt asked me to trust him, as he sat on the phone for hours trying to get a second opinion and another doctors appointment in a different practice. I did, I trusted him completely, but I had already started mourning. Every favor pulled through, and another appointment came the next day. This doctor more hopeful and more comforting.
Unfortunately without going into detail, the results did not change. I had a blighted ovum, which is a very technical term to me. All I heard was that we had lost our source of joy, and had to accept it and move on. Or so we thought...
Then came last night. From what I thought would be a normal period became the most painful experience of my life.
Morning came, and exhaustion and fatigue has set in. But, I am working toward accepting what my body has done. What is meant to be will be, and I know and believe this. However, the pain and sadness doesn't change. Hopefully with time we will over come this, and I know when the time is right we will have our baby.
I don't post this for sympathy or the never ending "I'm sorry's." I use this as a venting post to get my thoughts out and hope it will help me accept and feel more comfortable about this uncontrolled situation.
I heard a song on the radio yesterday that put my head into perspective...
About a month ago, Matt and I got some very exciting news - we were expecting our first baby. Only a few weeks along we were cautious but extremely excited. The first doctors appointment went well, so we felt it was time to tell our parents. They were beyond thrilled, and it just so happened that my brother was up from Florida so he enjoyed the news face to face as well.
Needless to say, everything was better, the sun was brighter, our spare room (which right now is an office) always seemed to look like a baby room when I walked passed.
We talked about names, a new car, and how we would handle all the significant changes. However, little did we know, this wasn't meant to be.
A few weeks after the first doctors appointment, we went back for a sonogram. It seemed as if we were not as far along as we were told originally (they take the first day of your last period.) Scared and skeptic we left the doctor, and I knew something wasn't right. Not only was I not comfortable with the doctor or the sono tech, I could feel in my heart that there was a problem.
For the days following, I tried to stay positive. We went back less than a week later to see if there were any changes. I looked at the screen, and nothing. It petrified me. From so much excitement to such sadness. The doctor quickly pushed me to schedule a procedure to remove whatever was there. I was hesitant but emotional, so I agreed. We drove home and I was torn and confused, not sure what was going on and what would happen.
Matt asked me to trust him, as he sat on the phone for hours trying to get a second opinion and another doctors appointment in a different practice. I did, I trusted him completely, but I had already started mourning. Every favor pulled through, and another appointment came the next day. This doctor more hopeful and more comforting.
Unfortunately without going into detail, the results did not change. I had a blighted ovum, which is a very technical term to me. All I heard was that we had lost our source of joy, and had to accept it and move on. Or so we thought...
Then came last night. From what I thought would be a normal period became the most painful experience of my life.
Morning came, and exhaustion and fatigue has set in. But, I am working toward accepting what my body has done. What is meant to be will be, and I know and believe this. However, the pain and sadness doesn't change. Hopefully with time we will over come this, and I know when the time is right we will have our baby.
I don't post this for sympathy or the never ending "I'm sorry's." I use this as a venting post to get my thoughts out and hope it will help me accept and feel more comfortable about this uncontrolled situation.
I heard a song on the radio yesterday that put my head into perspective...
"I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried"
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried"
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